Life is good when you do what you like and like what you do.

I am having a pretty good summer so far. I'm getting my car VTEC stickers today and I have a job interview on Saturday. Summer is looking like its gonna be amazing especially if i get this job. I will have some thing to do all the time and that's what i need. its my personality. so I'm excited lol.

missing someone

I'm missing someone very important to me right now. A lot of people who care about me have told me i should forget this person because of the way they are treating me right now, I know that i might not deserve what is happening right now but I honestly don't really care about that. I know that if this person called me and was like im at the hospital i just had a car wreck or my car broke down or i ran out of gas or Kansas i'm stuck without a ride i would be right there, no questions asked because this person means the world to me. At one point in our lives i meant something to him to and i believe i still do its just burried under all the hurt, frustration and anger. I don't think we need to hate each other forever because of something that seems so small when you look back on it. I have gotten over all the crying everyday and avoiding him, but every night he's there in my dreams and everything is fine and i wake up to a nightmare of a real world. I know he has to miss talking to me. I have a bunch of stuff to talk to him about, stuff we would normally talk about together when we were out or on our way to class. i miss our random, funny conversations, i could tell him just about anything and it would be fine. we generally get along pretty well but sometimes when we have already had a bad day or something we say things to each other that we know we shouldnt. I know i really messed up but it has now been a month since we have spoken. I want to talk to him.
I really do miss him.

when i look at you.

Has anyone heard the Miley song "When I look at you"? Every time i hear that song i cry. I know exactly who that song was written about. He lives about 3 min. down the road from me. Without him there everyday i think i would have already been dead 5 times over. A lot of people might think this is a bit of a risk putting all these deep feelings on here but i know that he knows how it is between us and that that's how i want to keep it. I don't have to worry he's gonna take this the wrong way because we understand each other, we know how it has to be and how it will always be. He is always there when i need him,he listens and even though he might think every thing's funny i know he really understands.He is one of the only ones who has ever understood anything about me. We have so much fun together no matter what we are doing. Last semester we laughed our heads off Cutting up a poor little dead baby pig, we can make anything fun when we are together.I could be crying for days and when he walks in the door and smiles and laughs at me that's it, no more crying, whatever it was that was wrong isn't even an issue anymore. I know that if i ever have to go more then a few weeks without any contact with him i might die. Earlier in the semester we went 2 and a half weeks without speaking and my life was a wreck, i didn't sleep, i barely ate and i cried every night.I have never cried so much for someone in my life. No matter how many boyfriends break my heart it will never live up to those 3 horrible weeks.

So if you're reading this Mr.Youknowwhoyouare then just know that you are a really really good friend and without you I'm sure i wouldn't make it through tomorrow. <3

-Yeah when my world is falling apart
and there's no light to break up the dark
that's when I,I look at you
When the waves are flooding the shore
and i cant find my way home anymore
that's when I, I look at you-

expectations

So I'm sorry i have to end the happy post streak but my life has taken a dramatic turn for the worse thanks to my big mouth. I cant keep myself from saying things i don't mean when I'm mad and the other morning i was very very mad. Mom had already threatened my keys and car and my phone and computer. I was in a bad mood and i said some really really mean things to a person i would never want to hurt. I feel horrible, and i have apologized so many times i couldn't even count them. But no matter how many times i say I'm sorry nothing changes. We walk around like the last 6 years never happened just because of 6 little words that never should have been said. I've tried everything i can to keep myself sane but it just keeps getting harder. Now that i have stepped back from the situation i realize that most of the conflicts we've had this year have been my fault because of my new found expectations. Over the last few months i have developed expectations for our friendship instead of letting everything go the way it should and just having fun. I realize now that the expectations make me unsatisfied and leave him upset and mad. If he ever lets me back in i will be a better friend and leave the expectations out so my friendship wont have to come with a price. I just want my best friend back. He knows more about me then anyone else, even my mom. I need him around to talk to and joke with and hang with. but this is my fault so I'm just gonna have to wait it out and pray that he loves me enough to take me back because i know i need him but threes no way on gods green earth i deserve him.