expectations

So I'm sorry i have to end the happy post streak but my life has taken a dramatic turn for the worse thanks to my big mouth. I cant keep myself from saying things i don't mean when I'm mad and the other morning i was very very mad. Mom had already threatened my keys and car and my phone and computer. I was in a bad mood and i said some really really mean things to a person i would never want to hurt. I feel horrible, and i have apologized so many times i couldn't even count them. But no matter how many times i say I'm sorry nothing changes. We walk around like the last 6 years never happened just because of 6 little words that never should have been said. I've tried everything i can to keep myself sane but it just keeps getting harder. Now that i have stepped back from the situation i realize that most of the conflicts we've had this year have been my fault because of my new found expectations. Over the last few months i have developed expectations for our friendship instead of letting everything go the way it should and just having fun. I realize now that the expectations make me unsatisfied and leave him upset and mad. If he ever lets me back in i will be a better friend and leave the expectations out so my friendship wont have to come with a price. I just want my best friend back. He knows more about me then anyone else, even my mom. I need him around to talk to and joke with and hang with. but this is my fault so I'm just gonna have to wait it out and pray that he loves me enough to take me back because i know i need him but threes no way on gods green earth i deserve him.